I have decided to konglomerate all my blogs. Here is the new address:
http://thenewspinoriginal.blogspot.com
I would love for you to join me there!!!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Biggest Issues
The kids and I are at a workshop for kids who witness domestic violence. It is kinda hard to be here, very emotional, but I know we all need it. I discovered that my biggest issues are guilt and shame.
I am guilty for staying in the violent, abusive marriage for as long as I did. 11 years is too long. I feel like I am the one who damaged my kids by staying in it for so long. I was told last week by my Social Worker that I just need to forgive myself, but I just can't do that. I can't erase the blame I have inside for staying and exposing my kids to hitting, name calling, and way too many other types of abuse and belittling to mention. When my kids act up, the voice in my head says, "I wrecked my kids."
I can't move forward until I work through the guilt, shame and blame... It's tough.
I am guilty for staying in the violent, abusive marriage for as long as I did. 11 years is too long. I feel like I am the one who damaged my kids by staying in it for so long. I was told last week by my Social Worker that I just need to forgive myself, but I just can't do that. I can't erase the blame I have inside for staying and exposing my kids to hitting, name calling, and way too many other types of abuse and belittling to mention. When my kids act up, the voice in my head says, "I wrecked my kids."
I can't move forward until I work through the guilt, shame and blame... It's tough.
Monday, March 7, 2011
A Little Down
I am finding things kind of difficult these days. We are 2.5 weeks away from custody trial. It is emotionally difficult to try and maintain center when things are so unknown right now.
Generally, I am doing okay. I keep up tasks around the house, go to appointments as necessary (still seeing a Social Worker on a regular basis) and am the primary caregiver to the children's every need. Yes, it can be so tiring when that is my main focus, but I know that right now my focus needs to be on maintaining the sanity of all of us.
I don't find myself being angry much. I tend to go the feeling 'low' route than the angry one.
Next week the kids and I are going to a 3 day seminar for kids who have witnessed domestic violence. I am praying that it will help them immensely and intensely.
That's all for now. Hope you are all doing okay.
Generally, I am doing okay. I keep up tasks around the house, go to appointments as necessary (still seeing a Social Worker on a regular basis) and am the primary caregiver to the children's every need. Yes, it can be so tiring when that is my main focus, but I know that right now my focus needs to be on maintaining the sanity of all of us.
I don't find myself being angry much. I tend to go the feeling 'low' route than the angry one.
Next week the kids and I are going to a 3 day seminar for kids who have witnessed domestic violence. I am praying that it will help them immensely and intensely.
That's all for now. Hope you are all doing okay.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Kiddies
One of the hardest things I am dealing with right now is seeing the affects of abuse on my children. Their responses to every day situations all stem from how they were treated and taught from the moment they entered the world. It is very difficult to not accept all the blame and guilt from their childhood onto myself. While I was not a willing participant in it, I also didn't stand up for what I knew in my heart was wrong. Why didn't I stand up? Out of fear of being hit, sworn at and belittled myself. I did what I had been trained to do... we all were. I knew the difference in my heart, but the connection of that truth to my brain was out of whack.
Regardless, I am the mother, and I should have stood up to him - whatever the consequences.
The kids have much to deal with and work through. I understand the things they are facing, and the feelings they are feeling, because it was only a short time ago that I had to work through it all for myself. I have much grace for them, that some would see as too much tolerance and letting them get away with too much, but I know where they've come from and how difficult things always were for them. I know how hard it is to change a response when that is all you have ever known.
God, give me the strength and wisdom I need to help my children break free from the abuse they have suffered. Heal us all... including D.
Regardless, I am the mother, and I should have stood up to him - whatever the consequences.
The kids have much to deal with and work through. I understand the things they are facing, and the feelings they are feeling, because it was only a short time ago that I had to work through it all for myself. I have much grace for them, that some would see as too much tolerance and letting them get away with too much, but I know where they've come from and how difficult things always were for them. I know how hard it is to change a response when that is all you have ever known.
God, give me the strength and wisdom I need to help my children break free from the abuse they have suffered. Heal us all... including D.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Long Term Abuse
Having lived in an abusive relationship for 12 years really messed me up. My body responses all stem from abuse. Here's what I discovered today:
Over the past few days, anger has been building inside me due to different situations. Things all piled so quickly and this morning I was in full force anger. I was home alone, and just so upset. Because of the years of abuse, the only way that I know how to find relief and instand de-ecalation, was the way D showed me - he would hit me. So, this morning when I was angry and needing release, I was battling with myself - I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to bang my head against the wall. I knew that I would find relief - that is how it always worked. I gave in and I punched myself in the head a couple of times, then was banging my head on the wall while I was in the shower. When pain hit, I found release and began to cry - just like I would after D would hit me.
Emotional pain hurts more than physical pain. The punch means its over. It is the finale.
Now that I am not with D, I find it difficult to know what to do when I get to that tense angry stage. My social worker suggested going for a walk. That does make sense. My problem is that I need to share what is bothering me as they happen instead of letting it build up.
I have recognized what the cycle is: emotional pain build up (tension), physical
action, tears and relief.
I know that smacking myself in the head is not an appropriate action. I need to find another action to replace that negative one.
Ahh... the effects of long term abuse...
Over the past few days, anger has been building inside me due to different situations. Things all piled so quickly and this morning I was in full force anger. I was home alone, and just so upset. Because of the years of abuse, the only way that I know how to find relief and instand de-ecalation, was the way D showed me - he would hit me. So, this morning when I was angry and needing release, I was battling with myself - I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to bang my head against the wall. I knew that I would find relief - that is how it always worked. I gave in and I punched myself in the head a couple of times, then was banging my head on the wall while I was in the shower. When pain hit, I found release and began to cry - just like I would after D would hit me.
Emotional pain hurts more than physical pain. The punch means its over. It is the finale.
Now that I am not with D, I find it difficult to know what to do when I get to that tense angry stage. My social worker suggested going for a walk. That does make sense. My problem is that I need to share what is bothering me as they happen instead of letting it build up.
I have recognized what the cycle is: emotional pain build up (tension), physical
action, tears and relief.
I know that smacking myself in the head is not an appropriate action. I need to find another action to replace that negative one.
Ahh... the effects of long term abuse...
Friday, December 17, 2010
Kids and Me
I have been seeing a Social Worker now for 6 months. 1 week ago she gently informed me that I am still emotionally married to D. That made me angry... then it all made sense. So, in the past week, I have emotionally separated from D - this is a VERY good thing. I would find myself obsessing about what he says, does, and mostly, what he thinks about me. After finding my self worth and feelings in him for 12 years, it is difficult to turn from him and look to myself and God for who I am, what I feel and how I act. I would get so angry about things that he did, or didn't do, and I would drive myself crazy. Well, NOT ANY MORE.
I am proud to say that I am now almost totally separated from D.
I say 'almost' because I am sure there will be days and times that old feelings arise and I have to deal with them. But, for the most part, I don't give a rip what he does and doesn't do, and what he does and doesn't think about me and what I do or don't do.
Our 2nd settlement conference happened last week. D didn't show up. He "forgot". That worked to my benefit. The Judge says she is not convinced that he is interested in settling this (the custody thing) so we are going to head for trial. She was not impressed at all that D hasn't given over the car to us. I think she is seeing him for what he actually is.
D has told many lies about me in the past 6 months. But, I refused to stoop to his level. I would not lie about anything. I knew that as long as I told the truth, and stuck to the truth, that it would win out in the end. And, I saw a glimmer of that happen last week, and that gave me hope.
The icing on the cake was that D has to pay my gas money for going there because he didn't show up. That is $50.00 back in my pocket. Praise God!
The kids are doing well. Each day gets quieter and we are getting along more and learning more and more every day about how to properly deal with and love each other. It really is a beautiful sight to see the huge changes that occured in our home and lives in the past 1/2 year. God is good.
I will admit that Christmas is going to be different this year. It's the first Christmas with D gone. My parents are also going away for the holidays, which means we will be doing things on our own and making new traditions, if we think the ones we have now need to be changed.
I am so excited to have my kids home with me for 16 days... I am voting for this to be the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!
I am proud to say that I am now almost totally separated from D.
I say 'almost' because I am sure there will be days and times that old feelings arise and I have to deal with them. But, for the most part, I don't give a rip what he does and doesn't do, and what he does and doesn't think about me and what I do or don't do.
Our 2nd settlement conference happened last week. D didn't show up. He "forgot". That worked to my benefit. The Judge says she is not convinced that he is interested in settling this (the custody thing) so we are going to head for trial. She was not impressed at all that D hasn't given over the car to us. I think she is seeing him for what he actually is.
D has told many lies about me in the past 6 months. But, I refused to stoop to his level. I would not lie about anything. I knew that as long as I told the truth, and stuck to the truth, that it would win out in the end. And, I saw a glimmer of that happen last week, and that gave me hope.
The icing on the cake was that D has to pay my gas money for going there because he didn't show up. That is $50.00 back in my pocket. Praise God!
The kids are doing well. Each day gets quieter and we are getting along more and learning more and more every day about how to properly deal with and love each other. It really is a beautiful sight to see the huge changes that occured in our home and lives in the past 1/2 year. God is good.
I will admit that Christmas is going to be different this year. It's the first Christmas with D gone. My parents are also going away for the holidays, which means we will be doing things on our own and making new traditions, if we think the ones we have now need to be changed.
I am so excited to have my kids home with me for 16 days... I am voting for this to be the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!
Monday, November 29, 2010
Time is a Funny Thing
It's hard to believe how fast the days and weeks and months go by. It seems like only a short time ago that the Police arrested my husband, but it has been nearly 6 months already - that is almost 1/2 a year...
The kids and I are doing okay on our own. We have had to learn new ways of doing things, since we are no longer bound by abuse, manipulation, power and control. We have a much quieter house, with FAR less yelling and anger. Yes, we all have our days; guess that makes us normal.
In regards to the case, my on-the-path-to-ex husband is only allowed supervised visits with our children and one phone call a week. He is not allowed communication with me unless it is in front of a Judge. The kids and I still don't have our family vehicle, which is the most frustrating issue right now. The husband doesn't even have a driver's license, but somehow, in his warped mind, thinks it is okay to deprive his children of transportation, even in the cold and snow. Figure that one out. Guess we'll see what the Judge says about that next week when we meet again.
I will honestly try to keep up with this blog. For a long time I was too emotional and messed up to even write. Now, however, I have a much better grasp and am able to process things and move on. I owe most of the credit to my best friend ever, Adam. He has been such a major support to me during this time, and I couldn't do it without him!
Hope to hear from you all soon. I am going to check out your blogs and see what has been going on in your life!
LOVE!
The kids and I are doing okay on our own. We have had to learn new ways of doing things, since we are no longer bound by abuse, manipulation, power and control. We have a much quieter house, with FAR less yelling and anger. Yes, we all have our days; guess that makes us normal.
In regards to the case, my on-the-path-to-ex husband is only allowed supervised visits with our children and one phone call a week. He is not allowed communication with me unless it is in front of a Judge. The kids and I still don't have our family vehicle, which is the most frustrating issue right now. The husband doesn't even have a driver's license, but somehow, in his warped mind, thinks it is okay to deprive his children of transportation, even in the cold and snow. Figure that one out. Guess we'll see what the Judge says about that next week when we meet again.
I will honestly try to keep up with this blog. For a long time I was too emotional and messed up to even write. Now, however, I have a much better grasp and am able to process things and move on. I owe most of the credit to my best friend ever, Adam. He has been such a major support to me during this time, and I couldn't do it without him!
Hope to hear from you all soon. I am going to check out your blogs and see what has been going on in your life!
LOVE!
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