Long Term Abuse

Having lived in an abusive relationship for 12 years really messed me up. My body responses all stem from abuse. Here's what I discovered today:

Over the past few days, anger has been building inside me due to different situations. Things all piled so quickly and this morning I was in full force anger. I was home alone, and just so upset. Because of the years of abuse, the only way that I know how to find relief and instand de-ecalation, was the way D showed me - he would hit me. So, this morning when I was angry and needing release, I was battling with myself - I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to bang my head against the wall. I knew that I would find relief - that is how it always worked. I gave in and I punched myself in the head a couple of times, then was banging my head on the wall while I was in the shower. When pain hit, I found release and began to cry - just like I would after D would hit me.

Emotional pain hurts more than physical pain. The punch means its over. It is the finale.

Now that I am not with D, I find it difficult to know what to do when I get to that tense angry stage. My social worker suggested going for a walk. That does make sense. My problem is that I need to share what is bothering me as they happen instead of letting it build up.

I have recognized what the cycle is: emotional pain build up (tension), physical
action, tears and relief.

I know that smacking myself in the head is not an appropriate action. I need to find another action to replace that negative one.

Ahh... the effects of long term abuse...

Kids and Me

I have been seeing a Social Worker now for 6 months. 1 week ago she gently informed me that I am still emotionally married to D. That made me angry... then it all made sense. So, in the past week, I have emotionally separated from D - this is a VERY good thing. I would find myself obsessing about what he says, does, and mostly, what he thinks about me. After finding my self worth and feelings in him for 12 years, it is difficult to turn from him and look to myself and God for who I am, what I feel and how I act. I would get so angry about things that he did, or didn't do, and I would drive myself crazy. Well, NOT ANY MORE.

I am proud to say that I am now almost totally separated from D.

I say 'almost' because I am sure there will be days and times that old feelings arise and I have to deal with them. But, for the most part, I don't give a rip what he does and doesn't do, and what he does and doesn't think about me and what I do or don't do.

Our 2nd settlement conference happened last week. D didn't show up. He "forgot". That worked to my benefit. The Judge says she is not convinced that he is interested in settling this (the custody thing) so we are going to head for trial. She was not impressed at all that D hasn't given over the car to us. I think she is seeing him for what he actually is.

D has told many lies about me in the past 6 months. But, I refused to stoop to his level. I would not lie about anything. I knew that as long as I told the truth, and stuck to the truth, that it would win out in the end. And, I saw a glimmer of that happen last week, and that gave me hope.

The icing on the cake was that D has to pay my gas money for going there because he didn't show up. That is $50.00 back in my pocket. Praise God!

The kids are doing well. Each day gets quieter and we are getting along more and learning more and more every day about how to properly deal with and love each other. It really is a beautiful sight to see the huge changes that occured in our home and lives in the past 1/2 year. God is good.

I will admit that Christmas is going to be different this year. It's the first Christmas with D gone. My parents are also going away for the holidays, which means we will be doing things on our own and making new traditions, if we think the ones we have now need to be changed.

I am so excited to have my kids home with me for 16 days... I am voting for this to be the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!

Time is a Funny Thing

It's hard to believe how fast the days and weeks and months go by. It seems like only a short time ago that the Police arrested my husband, but it has been nearly 6 months already - that is almost 1/2 a year...

The kids and I are doing okay on our own. We have had to learn new ways of doing things, since we are no longer bound by abuse, manipulation, power and control. We have a much quieter house, with FAR less yelling and anger. Yes, we all have our days; guess that makes us normal.

In regards to the case, my on-the-path-to-ex husband is only allowed supervised visits with our children and one phone call a week. He is not allowed communication with me unless it is in front of a Judge. The kids and I still don't have our family vehicle, which is the most frustrating issue right now. The husband doesn't even have a driver's license, but somehow, in his warped mind, thinks it is okay to deprive his children of transportation, even in the cold and snow. Figure that one out. Guess we'll see what the Judge says about that next week when we meet again.

I will honestly try to keep up with this blog. For a long time I was too emotional and messed up to even write. Now, however, I have a much better grasp and am able to process things and move on. I owe most of the credit to my best friend ever, Adam. He has been such a major support to me during this time, and I couldn't do it without him!

Hope to hear from you all soon. I am going to check out your blogs and see what has been going on in your life!

LOVE!

Please Pray

Everything is sooo messed up. Any of you who are pray-ers, please pray.

There is so much lying and manipulating and trying to control that is going on that God is the only One who can bring a stop to it.

Court is supposed to be this week. The first custody hearing is next week. We all need your prayers.

Real Me

I started seeing a Social Worker shortly after this whole thing started. I see her once a week. She is going to help me work through some stuff, like identifying feelings, and other things related to my personal growth. The time I spend with her is full of being asked "How did that make you feel?" By the end of our time together, I am so sick of hearing that question it makes me want to puke. I work hard at covering up my emotions, then she keeps trying to get them out. I am not used to having my feelings on my sleeve, so I am upset when I leave her office with all my emotions opened up inside. Then, I have to spend the rest of the day putting my feelings and emotions back into the little boxes I have made for them.

I have gone for so long not being ME, that she is going to try and help me find WHO I am. For our next visit, she wants me to bring a list of my core values. Those values are the building blocks of who I am , so if I can determine and return to what those are, then it'll be a good start to finding the REAL ME.

News

I received disappointing new yesterday. Because of what is going on between my husband and I, with court, custody and eventually divorce, and an accusation that was made that is completely false, I've been told to take time off from doing any church ministry. The exact words were to "lay low". It is really difficult because church is my life. I feel like I am being punished for standing up for myself and getting out of an abusive situation. I feel like I have so much to grieve.

That is where I am at. I am trying to process and figure out what life will be like without it being surrounded by church ministries.

I feel like the black sheep, out of the circle, and completely alone.

My Rights

Most of these things I had no idea were my rights. My Social Worker gave me this list and I want to share it with you. This is what an abuse-free life looks like:


Things to remember everyday:

* I have the right to be treated with dignity, compassion, and respect at all times.
* I have the right to make my own decisions about the course of my life.
* I have the right to have dreams - and to work toward making these dreams come true.
* I have the right to feel good about myself as a person and a woman.
* I have the right to choose who will be my friends, whom I will spend time with, and whom I will confide in.
* I have the right to make mistakes.
* I have the right to change my mind (Have you ever heard the saying "If you haven't changed your mind lately, maybe you don't have one"?)
* I have the right to be happy.
* I have the right to ask for what I want.
* I have the right to follow my own values and standards.
* I have the right to express all of my feelings, both positive and negative.
* I have the right to say no.
* I have the right to determine my own priorities.
* I have the right not to be responsible for others' behavior, actions, feelings or problems.
* I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
* I have the right to be in a non-abusive environment.
* I have the right to change and grow.
* I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
* I have the right to be uniquely myself.