Having lived in an abusive relationship for 12 years really messed me up. My body responses all stem from abuse. Here's what I discovered today:
Over the past few days, anger has been building inside me due to different situations. Things all piled so quickly and this morning I was in full force anger. I was home alone, and just so upset. Because of the years of abuse, the only way that I know how to find relief and instand de-ecalation, was the way D showed me - he would hit me. So, this morning when I was angry and needing release, I was battling with myself - I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to bang my head against the wall. I knew that I would find relief - that is how it always worked. I gave in and I punched myself in the head a couple of times, then was banging my head on the wall while I was in the shower. When pain hit, I found release and began to cry - just like I would after D would hit me.
Emotional pain hurts more than physical pain. The punch means its over. It is the finale.
Now that I am not with D, I find it difficult to know what to do when I get to that tense angry stage. My social worker suggested going for a walk. That does make sense. My problem is that I need to share what is bothering me as they happen instead of letting it build up.
I have recognized what the cycle is: emotional pain build up (tension), physical
action, tears and relief.
I know that smacking myself in the head is not an appropriate action. I need to find another action to replace that negative one.
Ahh... the effects of long term abuse...
Over the past few days, anger has been building inside me due to different situations. Things all piled so quickly and this morning I was in full force anger. I was home alone, and just so upset. Because of the years of abuse, the only way that I know how to find relief and instand de-ecalation, was the way D showed me - he would hit me. So, this morning when I was angry and needing release, I was battling with myself - I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to bang my head against the wall. I knew that I would find relief - that is how it always worked. I gave in and I punched myself in the head a couple of times, then was banging my head on the wall while I was in the shower. When pain hit, I found release and began to cry - just like I would after D would hit me.
Emotional pain hurts more than physical pain. The punch means its over. It is the finale.
Now that I am not with D, I find it difficult to know what to do when I get to that tense angry stage. My social worker suggested going for a walk. That does make sense. My problem is that I need to share what is bothering me as they happen instead of letting it build up.
I have recognized what the cycle is: emotional pain build up (tension), physical
action, tears and relief.
I know that smacking myself in the head is not an appropriate action. I need to find another action to replace that negative one.
Ahh... the effects of long term abuse...
Hi Spin,
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you. May God continue to heal you and fill you with His love and grace. Don't give up. Hang in there! He is faithful and He promised His grace is sufficient for us. Thanks for your visit and and encouragement. Take care!
Love to you too,
Nancie