I have decided to konglomerate all my blogs. Here is the new address:
http://thenewspinoriginal.blogspot.com
I would love for you to join me there!!!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Biggest Issues
The kids and I are at a workshop for kids who witness domestic violence. It is kinda hard to be here, very emotional, but I know we all need it. I discovered that my biggest issues are guilt and shame.
I am guilty for staying in the violent, abusive marriage for as long as I did. 11 years is too long. I feel like I am the one who damaged my kids by staying in it for so long. I was told last week by my Social Worker that I just need to forgive myself, but I just can't do that. I can't erase the blame I have inside for staying and exposing my kids to hitting, name calling, and way too many other types of abuse and belittling to mention. When my kids act up, the voice in my head says, "I wrecked my kids."
I can't move forward until I work through the guilt, shame and blame... It's tough.
I am guilty for staying in the violent, abusive marriage for as long as I did. 11 years is too long. I feel like I am the one who damaged my kids by staying in it for so long. I was told last week by my Social Worker that I just need to forgive myself, but I just can't do that. I can't erase the blame I have inside for staying and exposing my kids to hitting, name calling, and way too many other types of abuse and belittling to mention. When my kids act up, the voice in my head says, "I wrecked my kids."
I can't move forward until I work through the guilt, shame and blame... It's tough.
Monday, March 7, 2011
A Little Down
I am finding things kind of difficult these days. We are 2.5 weeks away from custody trial. It is emotionally difficult to try and maintain center when things are so unknown right now.
Generally, I am doing okay. I keep up tasks around the house, go to appointments as necessary (still seeing a Social Worker on a regular basis) and am the primary caregiver to the children's every need. Yes, it can be so tiring when that is my main focus, but I know that right now my focus needs to be on maintaining the sanity of all of us.
I don't find myself being angry much. I tend to go the feeling 'low' route than the angry one.
Next week the kids and I are going to a 3 day seminar for kids who have witnessed domestic violence. I am praying that it will help them immensely and intensely.
That's all for now. Hope you are all doing okay.
Generally, I am doing okay. I keep up tasks around the house, go to appointments as necessary (still seeing a Social Worker on a regular basis) and am the primary caregiver to the children's every need. Yes, it can be so tiring when that is my main focus, but I know that right now my focus needs to be on maintaining the sanity of all of us.
I don't find myself being angry much. I tend to go the feeling 'low' route than the angry one.
Next week the kids and I are going to a 3 day seminar for kids who have witnessed domestic violence. I am praying that it will help them immensely and intensely.
That's all for now. Hope you are all doing okay.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Kiddies
One of the hardest things I am dealing with right now is seeing the affects of abuse on my children. Their responses to every day situations all stem from how they were treated and taught from the moment they entered the world. It is very difficult to not accept all the blame and guilt from their childhood onto myself. While I was not a willing participant in it, I also didn't stand up for what I knew in my heart was wrong. Why didn't I stand up? Out of fear of being hit, sworn at and belittled myself. I did what I had been trained to do... we all were. I knew the difference in my heart, but the connection of that truth to my brain was out of whack.
Regardless, I am the mother, and I should have stood up to him - whatever the consequences.
The kids have much to deal with and work through. I understand the things they are facing, and the feelings they are feeling, because it was only a short time ago that I had to work through it all for myself. I have much grace for them, that some would see as too much tolerance and letting them get away with too much, but I know where they've come from and how difficult things always were for them. I know how hard it is to change a response when that is all you have ever known.
God, give me the strength and wisdom I need to help my children break free from the abuse they have suffered. Heal us all... including D.
Regardless, I am the mother, and I should have stood up to him - whatever the consequences.
The kids have much to deal with and work through. I understand the things they are facing, and the feelings they are feeling, because it was only a short time ago that I had to work through it all for myself. I have much grace for them, that some would see as too much tolerance and letting them get away with too much, but I know where they've come from and how difficult things always were for them. I know how hard it is to change a response when that is all you have ever known.
God, give me the strength and wisdom I need to help my children break free from the abuse they have suffered. Heal us all... including D.
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